Old Man Reviews:
The Billboard Hot 100 top 5
For June 2019
When I came up with the idea for this article I gave myself some vague rules to stick to. Namely be blunt and mean, I am a grumpy old man after all. Also to attempt to provide alternatives to these stylistically bankrupt audio bites. Beyond that I decided that I had to review the songs as part and parcel with their videos. After all, video killed the radio star and whatnot. None of these songs are going to be sufficiently likeable or artistically integral or memorable beyond the potential viral value of their videos. Don't worry, I’m sure MTV VMA’s will be won by all... Mazel Tov.
Songs countdown from number 5 to 1
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5 Sucker - Jonas Brothers
This may be the first Jonas Brothers song I've ever heard, honestly I had no idea what format of music I was assuming they considered themselves to be a part. Or which I would have attempted to place them in. Having heard this song I have decided on elevator music.
If this song and what little I have heard on MTV ad stings is anything to go by, the Jonas Brothers are truly and supremely inoffensive, probably by design. There is literally nothing here to be offended by, but by the same tune, there is absolutely nothing here to grasp on to either.
I have to assume fairly or not, that all their fans are of band members themselves rather than the music. I think I remember a south park episode making some serious implications. That said “band members” is a stretch. While instruments were present, there was no clear proof that any were in the mix of the song. Which sounds a lot like the preset track, pre-installed on the software you have to delete every time you want to start a new composition.
Special mention to the wives. The three actresses more than steal the show. Purely by visually appearing to have actually had sex… Unlike their husbands. The Jonas Brothers somehow seem to have maintained that subtle little hint of doubt in the corner of their eye:
That one that reserved for those who have remained virginal beyond a socially acceptable age.
We all remember them and their Disney branded purity rings, but come on guys, you’re married, and some of you even have kids. You don’t have to be virgins anymore. Sex is not a sin within the bounds of wedlock.
Song to listen to instead: Suck - Nine Inch Nails
Why: If you’re gonna suck at least have some feelings about it
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4 I Don’t Care - Ed Sheeran & Justin Bieber
After the first song and now this one, I’m beginning to see a trend that I really hoped I wasn’t going to see with these songs:
A crippling case of bland.
Honestly the previous review stands for this in a lot of ways, aside from the fact that Ed and Justin have definitely had sex. This song is so woefully inoffensive that I I have forgotten it in its entirety, even though I am currently playing on loop as I write. Clearly this was a solid 30 minutes in the studio well spent by both artists.
That said I have a soft spot for ole’ Edward, I saw him live when last he made his way to the bottom of the planet. I am going out on a limb and suggesting Ed is doing what he seems to have done on a lot of albums. Throwing a couple of easy singles with a feature artist out to make it easier to generate views or streams or however the hell music makes money in twenty fucking whatever it is now.
Justin Bieber continues to look like his little boy face is just being actively superimposed onto an aggressively tattooed man body. For what reason Warner music is doing so I am not entirely sure. I cannot understand is whether Bieber is actually an active musician? Singer? Artist? anymore. Best I can tell he just does half arsed features on other people's songs, on his way to banging his now [mostly] of age fans, that remember him as a pre-pubescent heart-throb. There’s a sentence I wished I didn’t write.
The video continues Ed’s adherence to quirky low-fi editing techniques and art design. Pulled off in that special way that you know no expense has been spared to achieve said result.
Song to listen to instead: Icona Pop - I Love it (I Don’t Care)
Why: If you don’t care at least revel in it, don’t just make me also not care
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3 Talk - Khalid
First off I have to state, Khalid is apparently not the same person as DJ Khaled. I know, I was disappointed too. His snapchat stories about the keys to success or some such nonsense raised him to near Kanye levels of self deluded grandeur in my head. To be honest I lost all will to continue when I realised I would not hear: “DJ KHALED” shouted at the beginning of this track.
First thing that strikes me is the video. Its that video. You know the one I mean, one with lots of coloured squares like the that noughts and crosses game show (ticktacktoe). That type of video that has been done so many fucking times. Think Elvis VS JXL, Burning down the house (Tom Jones & The Cardigans Cover) or basically any other music video that can be built in 15 minutes in front of a green screen. Expect copious amounts of basic set dressing and backup dancers. All to give the video any sort of life or entertainment to proceedings.
Aside from being cheap, there is another reason to do this video: The studio does not think this artist is attractive, charismatic or bankable enough to pull off a video on their own.
Nuff said, rant goes on.
The song, no fuck it, forget the song, third elevator entertainment inspired song in this article.
With R&B I always feel like there is the regular stuff and the self aware stuff. The self aware stuff is the only stuff that I can cope with. Regular garden variety R&B is just monotonous nose whining accompanying a 15 second loop of drum machine and some sort of synth. Repeated over and over for 3 minutes 18 seconds.
Song to listen to instead: Talking Heads - Burning down the house
Why: Coloured cubes music videos made me think of Tom Jones & Cardigans, but the original is better
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2 Bad Guy - Billie Eilish
This song I like.
Maybe it's my long lost love of grunge. It all kind of sounds half arsed, and I’m not against that at all. It has that perfect blend of crisp HD visuals, with the dirt and grime of an artist that deep down really hates them-self in the best possible way. It’s self aware and has a sense of humour. Besides, it's nice to see a casual nosebleed.
There are no delusions of grandeur here, more of a swift fuck you to anyone who would dare to take themselves so seriously to not enjoy this song. The song is catchy and almost nothing else, in the best way possible.
Consider me refreshed.
Probably shows the type of person I am that I have the least to say about the thing that I like. Welcome to the human condition I guess.
I even went down a bit of a rabbit hole of a few of her songs and videos, and yeah, definitely a bit of a fan now. I just hope when she comes of age she doesn’t ditch the baggy sweats and boiler suits for a more sexual persona. I guess I’m saying I hope the stylistic choices aren’t a result of powers beyond her, keeping the door shut until she hits a socially acceptable age. Maybe I’m the way I’m reading into it just says negative things about me, either way I’m feel somewhat protective. Shine the fuck on Billie
Song to listen to instead: Nah, stick with this one
Why: It's actually decent
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1 Old Town Road - Lil Nas X Featuring Billy Ray Cyrus
To round out the article, my Billie Eilish appreciation must sadly come to an end.
With the meme fodder this song has become, I am honestly surprised I haven’t actually heard the song until now. This one seems to fall into the territory of having a video that’s just a bit too entertaining to the point where you forget about the song. Initially I was pretty confused why the music video suddenly looked so much higher quality than the one I had seen a little of earlier when the song released. Its a newer video. I guess when the song went viral the label splashed out.
There is very little to this song. It can’t really be considered a rap song. I’m not sure there was a solid length verse in the song at all. It's more just a slow, vaguely catchy duet between Lil Nas X and Billy Ray Cyrus. I am assuming it is partially a cover of a Billy Ray song or something, but I am not about to research to confirm. I am extremely lazy after all.
Honestly It’s hard to disagree with the kid, he’s enjoying himself and is unashamedly riding the high of having a viral hit. Power to him I say.
Maybe I’m just riding the high that came from the Billie Eilish mood revival I’ve experienced. But I was aware and impressed of how genuinely positive and friendly Lil Nas X has been about his experience with sudden fame and money. I just don’t don’t have a negative word to say about the kid.
Song to listen to instead: This one is fine
Why: At least you’ll be in on the memes, you owe yourself that much. Also the video is a laugh.
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I am not sure a conclusion to this article is necessary. But maybe I could do a followup in future. I am not sure meme value is a good reason to be considered the most popular song right now. However I guess that is exactly what a viral meme is. At least I am happy knowing that Billie was in there powering through on actual talent and art.
Logan
